Halfway true comedy and satire for your doomscrolling by @DashMacIntyre. I don't report the facts, I improve them.
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BREAKING: Legal scholars say Trump’s ICE deportation policies can be used by a Democratic president to arrest Elon Musk on the street by masked agents in an unmarked van, hold him in a concentration camp for weeks, confiscate all his money, and deport him to Sudan.
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BREAKING: The White House is reportedly bulk buying ketchup bottles expecting “sharp fluctuations in stock" over the next two months.
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BREAKING: The vibe at Mar-a-Lago all this week has reportedly been described as “the last days of Jonestown before they all drank the kool-aid.”
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Donald Trump will sue you if you subscribe to my Substack where I write jokes about him every day:
thehalfwaycafe.substack.com
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious with Republican voters for "failing him" because his rallies have gotten so sparsely attended he's forced to rent out tiny venues so small that every heckler is heard loud and clear by the entire audience and goes immediately viral.
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BREAKING: JD Vance's staffers are reportedly planning for the possibility that Donald Trump uses his failing health to resign after the midterms, and then starts blaming President Vance in the spring for ruining the "perfect economy" he left Vance, and also losing the Iran War.
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A new poll found that 62% of American Catholics "strongly approve" of the Pope excommunicating JD Vance.
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If you like reading hundreds of jokes about Donald Trump and Republicans every month, you should really be subscribed to my Substack:
thehalfwaycafe.substack.com
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly "fuming" that Barack Obama keeps mocking him at rallies despite how kind and respectful he has always been to Obama.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly wakes up every morning of every day "absolutely livid" about the fact that no official, scholarly presidential ranking has ever rated his first term above #35, they all rank his second term dead last, and both Obama and Biden are in the top 20.
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BREAKING: SNL reportedly wants to let Barack Obama host this Saturday’s “Weekend Update” by himself to roast Donald Trump mercilessly for the entire 15-minute segment.
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Donald Trump is reportedly demanding his staffers find out how much money Barack Obama is offering in Craigslist ads for his rally crowds to get so huge, and his staffers are just making up numbers because Trump refuses to believe Democrats don't have to pay.
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BREAKING: White House insiders say Donald Trump's temper is at "DEFCON Ketchup" over how the heckled shout "#ShoveThatBallroomUpYourFATASS" has become an energizing slogan for straight-ticket-Democratic voting among farmers and ranchers in Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska, and Montana.
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