I have had a long standing request for Fedex to deliver to my garage my stuff, makes it easy on us both they can back right up and drop off, they never do it, ever... Recently I got a sizable ammo drop getting ready for the pew pew season, same driver as always.... I got notice she dropped it off and went to the front door.. nothing.. Waited a bit.. checked again, still nothing... Was on the phone when I opened my garage door and almost fell on my face as she had stacked it neatly in front of the door. I am now questioning if I didn't accidentally slip into a new timeline as this cannot be the reality I have had for the last 10 years. Please someone tell me @ClaudesBBQ is not a vegan and @mnsibley hasn't released a new book..

So disappointed in the weather service’s continued disrespect at those who are differently abled…. All morning they have been sending out messages warning of “dense fog”. OMG is 2026 grandpa… the proper term is differently abled fog…

Hey @MickeyBlowtorch did you see that woman at target buying squash…. Them yoga pants were so tight I could count her heart beat..

I bought a mood ring to better understand my emotions…… But someone stole it… I don’t know how I feel about that…

A week ago today, I married the sweetest woman in the world. @obxdogwalker saved my life eleven years ago, and every day since she's shown me kindness and love. We've supported each other through a lot of loss and tragedy, and she always makes me smile and feel like the most important person in the world. I sometimes find it hard to believe I'm so blessed. God is good.

No dough for slow Joe I’d rather do a home surgery without numbing then give a nickel to them

Happy Halloween, fam. 🎃 👻

Last time I’m telling yall this… Really yall got to knock it off

Had the icky poos the last few days, with a slight fever and general yucky feeling. Feeling better and should be back to my horrid self by tomorrow. Take care... you still suck, but we all do, so don’t get an attitude over it.

Watching we were soldiers…. Weird to be crying and have a boner.. It’s like when I would visit your mom…

Long guns aka rifles were involved in 401 deaths last year, constipation killed 911 which means being full of shit is 2x more likely to kill you than the AR15

Earlier today, Optimus Sub Prime was struck down by a rogue Roomba hopped up on Fritos, dental floss, and pumpkin seeds. He is survived by his longtime partner, Ms. Toaster, who works the morning shift at the nearby Hampton Inn, and his young blender son.

According to the laws of war, now that I have voted, I may purchase eggnog. Only people who hate children, puppies and old people don’t like eggnog.

It’s my tradition after voting to go and have a large lunch. That way later when considering the awful choices I had to make, I have something to barf up.

I split my ballot between two parties No Pants And Pizza

Left eye